Training Children for Worship

Over the years, people have asked me what we mean by the phrase “family integrated worship.” Generally, I’ve answered in a way that avoids the ditch on either side of the road.

The biblical position is not simply, “Children belong in worship, therefore everyone else must tolerate whatever happens.” Nor is it, “Children must be removed from the service for every little sound they make.” Rather, the biblical approach is this:

Children are members of the covenant community and therefore belong with the covenant people in the worship of God, while parents are responsible for training and disciplining their children so that their presence contributes to, rather than unnecessarily disrupts, the worship of the congregation.

The starting point is that children belong in the worship of the covenant community. This isn't merely a question of family preference or a particular philosophy of parenting. It’s grounded in the biblical pattern of God's people assembling together with their children.

When Moses instructed Israel concerning the covenant assembly, he explicitly commanded that the children be there:
“Gather the people together, men and women and little ones… that they may hear and that they may learn to fear the LORD your God” (Deut. 31:12).

The little ones were not sent somewhere else while the adults renewed the covenant. They were gathered with the people of God so that they might hear and learn.

Joshua carried out this same command:
“There was not a word of all that Moses had commanded which Joshua did not read before all the assembly of Israel, with the women, the little ones” (Josh. 8:34–35).

The New Testament continues this covenantal pattern. We see that when we consider that Paul gave instructions for his epistles to be read publicly to the churches when they gathered.

He wrote to the Colossians:
“Now when this epistle is read among you, see that it is read also in the church of the Laodiceans, and that you likewise read the epistle from Laodicea” (Col. 4:16).

He likewise instructed the Thessalonians:
“I charge you by the Lord that this epistle be read to all the holy brethren” (1 Thes. 5:27).

Paul also addresses children directly in his letters to the churches, giving them commands that were intended to be heard within the Christian assembly:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Eph. 6:1).
“Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord” (Col. 3:20).

All of this is in keeping with the instruction of Jesus:
“Let the little children come to me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 19:14).

So the biblical starting point is clear. We bring our children to worship.

But that does not mean we bring them without preparation.

We train our children for worship at home throughout the week, and then we bring them into the Lord's Day service to put that training into practice.

This means that one of the most important responsibilities a parent has concerning his children's behavior in worship happens long before Sunday morning.

Scripture places the ordinary training and discipline of children in the hands of their parents:
“You shall teach these commands diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up” (Deut. 6:6–7).

Psalm 78 says that God gave his commands to his people:
“That they should make them known to their children… that they may not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation that did not set its heart aright, and whose spirit was not faithful to God” (Ps. 78:5–6).
Paul likewise charges fathers to:
“Bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

But let’s be clear. The training that we’re called to provide includes teaching our children how to conduct themselves when the church gathers for worship.

Children need to be taught to sit quietly for appropriate periods of time. They need to learn to listen when someone is speaking, to remain seated, and to exercise self-control. They need to learn that there are times when they may talk, play, move around, and make noise, and there are other times when they are expected to be quiet and attentive.

These are not things that a child simply discovers on Sunday morning. They are habits that parents cultivate throughout the week.

Any parent who expects a three-year-old to sit through a worship service without first doing the hard work of training him at home is being unrealistic. If a child cannot sit quietly for ten or fifteen minutes at home while his father reads Scripture, or while the family practices some other period of quiet attention, how can we expect him to suddenly possess that discipline for an hour or more on Sunday morning?

This is where parents need to think beyond the question, “Should my child be included in public worship?” We should also ask, “Is my child properly trained for worship, or is his behavior preventing those around him from hearing the Word and participating in the service?”

That’s an important distinction.

Our children belong in worship, but our children do not belong at the center of everyone else's attention. We have a responsibility not only to bring them, but also to teach them how to worship alongside the rest of the congregation.

These are not disciplines that we should expect our children to learn on Sunday morning.
The work begins at home.

Not every noise or movement requires a child to be taken out of the service. Parents need to distinguish between ordinary childish behavior and genuine distraction. Infants make noises. Young children occasionally whisper or become restless. We need to have patience with these things. No church filled with covenant children will be perfectly silent. And it shouldn't be!

But there’s a difference between an occasional noise and a child who is repeatedly talking, playing, crying, wandering around, or otherwise preventing those nearby from hearing and participating in worship.

When that happens, don't simply hope that everyone else will tolerate it. That is where the parent's responsibility to intervene begins.

When your child has become a genuine distraction to those around him, take him out.

Paul gives us a governing principle for the gathered church:
“For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints” (1 Cor. 14:33).

And he concludes his instruction concerning the worship of the church:
“Let all things be done decently and in order” (1 Cor. 14:40).

We should never be so concerned with hearing every word of the sermon ourselves that we ignore the fact that our child is preventing someone else from hearing it. We are not the only people gathered for worship. Our fellow members have come to hear the Word of God, to sing his praises, and to participate in the worship of the church.
Love for our neighbor requires us to take their ability to worship seriously.

As Pastor Stoos has often said, taking your child out is part of your responsibility as a parent. Correct your child, settle him down, and then bring him back in. If you have to take him out ten times on a Sunday, take him out ten times! Keep training him.

Taking your child out doesn’t mean that he doesn't belong in worship. Quite the opposite. You’re actually teaching him that he does belong there, but that he has to learn how to conduct himself when he is there.

Given the emphasis that Scripture places on fathers in the training and discipline of their children, I want to speak particularly to our men here.

It should ordinarily be the practice of our men to take the lead in this. Fathers should be watching for these situations and taking responsibility for their children when they need to be corrected or removed from the service.

This doesn't mean that dad needs to take every child out every time. Nursing babies will often need their mothers, and there will be plenty of other circumstances where mom is the one who needs to step in.

But as a general rule, dads should be looking for opportunities to serve their families in this way. If a child needs to be taken out, dad should ordinarily be the one to get up and take him, allowing mom to remain in worship whenever possible.

That’s part of what it means for a father to lead his household. He isn't simply responsible for making sure his children are present. He is responsible to exercise the God-given authority entrusted to him, especially when his household's conduct is on public display.
The state and condition of a household reflects upon its head.

When a family is well-ordered, disciplined, and self-controlled, that redounds to the honor of its head. A father who has faithfully trained his children is able to bring them into the public assembly with confidence, knowing that they’re prepared to conduct themselves properly among the people of God.

And this is ultimately what we are after. We aren't merely trying to get our children through an hour of church without embarrassing ourselves or distracting someone else. We are raising children who know how to live under authority, exercise self-control, love their neighbors, and worship the Lord with his people.

So bring them. Train them. Correct them when necessary.

That’s the responsibility God has given us as parents, and it's one we should gladly embrace!